From being fortunate enough to have the complete set of 4 four so long, I'm suddenly left with 2 in a short span of 2 weeks, as cliche as it is, life really is unpredictable. But still, I feel really fortunate to have had all of them for so long.

Finally, it's all over. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, I know I shouldn't be feeling relieved. It felt so much more different over at my mother's side..at least there was the feeling of "we still have each other" and at least some things changed for the better. Ah but this..I really don't know what to say or how to feel, I didn't even cry. At the very least I felt that you should have done more, in actually being a part of organising the whole thing and not being busy fluttering around. He's your father after all. The friends that are there to visit are not there to take up all of your time, yes there's a time to be more cheery and not be so down and gloomy all the time, but there are times when you're supposed to be serious too. To put it bluntly, your friends aren't dead yet, you can always catch up with them some other time, it's just whether you want to make the effort to or not. Even though it may be largely symbolic, this is our last chance to at least do something for him, at the very least, you could have been there for at least the whole of the last round.

I really admire my mother, for having so much guts and endurance and for being so capable. Despite being the youngest child in her family, she was the one doing pretty much everything, even after being overwhelmed by all her emotions. Despite not being a blood relative, she was still the one doing pretty much everything this time around. It's easy to let someone else to it just because they've done it before, to just use a simple excuse like language to feign ignorance and shirk the responsibility. It takes even more to still be willing to take up the job and still do your best despite knowing all this. And not to mention all the things that were simply unreasonable. Though..instead of being so dragged down by all the downs of the whole thing, I think you should be proud of yourself for having done so much even though you didn't have to. I'm sure he's really proud of you to.

Seeing everything going on was even more painful. How some can remain oblivious to something so big, how they can just throw the responsibility to someone who doesn't have to be involved at all. All the politics and unhappiness. If I were a little younger, I could just look on and just not get what is going on. But knowing everything that's going on just makes it worse. I'm caught between whether I should feel sad for them, or whether I should be angry at them, at least, for the first day or two. After that I've figured that it's just easier to take a step back. As long as I am sincere and I do all I can, I have no regrets. You can do all you want, I can't control that, what I can control is myself.

Nevertheless, I got to know my family a lot more throughout everything. Getting to spend so much time with my cousins and aunts especially. And listening to them talk about my grandparents while staying up last night..some things I found out were really shocking, though I was probably too young to remember any of them happening. Ah but, come to think of it, I don't even get to spend so much time with my relatives during chinese new year.

To my grandfather, thank you for picking me up after school everyday, buying me lunch and sweets even though my mother told you not too. Though I was young, it is one of the happiest memories I have of you. And not to forget all the new toys and cool stuff that you always seem to haven whenever we visited you.

To my grandfather, even though I never really got close to you for any specific period of time, thank you for being there, I know you cared. Knowing how you were at the start didn't ruin the memories, in fact it made it better, knowing that you did change later on. I've always remembered you as the one who's super smart and always printed informative stuff for us..though I was too young to have understood any of them back then..I guess I regret not holding on to them for later.

To my grandfathers, coincidence or not, like all my aunts have said, both of you really care about us because you chose a time when my studies wouldn't be affected that much. Thank you for everything, and for being here for so long.

darren
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along.