Far away, this ship is taking me far away..

2011-03-17T23:42:00.000+08:00

Paint my love, you should paint my love
It's the picture of a thousand sunsets

2011-03-17T23:40:00.001+08:00

And I just can't look
It's killing me

2011-03-08T22:58:00.001+08:00

Cause even the impossible,
Is easy when we've got each other

2011-03-06T16:21:00.000+08:00

And I'll say hey, you'll say baby,
How's your day? I'll say crazy,
But it's all gonna be alright

2011-03-06T16:19:00.000+08:00

Trying to make things work but man these times are hard,
But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for awhile.

2011-02-21T05:18:00.002+08:00

And I realized, it was only just a dream

2011-02-20T16:50:00.001+08:00

Just have a little, patience

2011-02-06T23:06:00.002+08:00

We mighta took the long way,
We knew we'd get there someday

2011-02-06T23:03:00.000+08:00

Trying to reach out to you touch my hand,
Reach out as far as I can

2011-02-04T23:52:00.000+08:00

And then I go and spoil it all

By saying something stupid like

I love you

Please please red cross please be 大公无私 in the name of CNY D=

2011-01-30T10:01:00.000+08:00

I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

2011-01-30T09:53:00.000+08:00

Mine!

2011-01-28T05:46:00.001+08:00

Baby there's something on my mind tonight,
There's a reason to believe that we got it right

2011-01-24T07:31:00.000+08:00

It's nice to be mesmerised by the moon. I'm no fan of astronomy but I seem to be attracted to the moon and the stars.

With that said, being able to see the moon almost every morning and night for the past week must say something about my life for the past week..but that won't spoil the images that the moon brings to my mind.

I know you're somewhere out there

2011-01-21T23:09:00.000+08:00

You know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change,
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same.

2011-01-15T18:20:00.000+08:00

There's a moment in time
And it's stuck in my mind

2011-01-10T23:11:00.001+08:00

The recurring pain may be strong,
But I know the choice I made wasn't wrong.

Whenever you're about to falter,
Just listen to your heart, and you'll remember.

2011-01-09T23:19:00.001+08:00

I don't think that you even realize
The joy you make me feel when I'm inside
Your universe

You hold me like I'm the one who's precious
I hate to break it to you but it's just
The other way around

You can thank your stars all you want but
I'll always be the lucky one

2011-01-07T23:01:00.002+08:00

Hold..you in my arms

Some songs I never get tired of

2011-01-07T00:04:00.002+08:00

Don't turn away
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Don't be afraid

What's meant to be will be..eventually

2011-01-07T00:02:00.001+08:00

My escape from it all

2011-01-06T23:41:00.002+08:00

One in a million

2011-01-06T08:45:00.001+08:00

When you're close to tears remember
Someday, it'll all be over

2011-01-06T08:43:00.002+08:00

And know the stars are holding you, holding you, holding you tonight

2011-01-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

I like thinking/talking about the future. It gives you hope and something to hang onto, to believe that it'll actually come true because you know that that possibility is real. And I'll do my very best to try and make that future a reality, especially if I really believe in it.

Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

2011-01-03T23:52:00.000+08:00

Yeah you can tell me,
All your thoughts about
The stars that fill polluted skies,
And show me where you run to,
When no one's left to take your side

2011-01-02T23:45:00.000+08:00

And everytime I look at you it's like the first time

2011-01-01T15:56:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I ask myself why, even though I know the answer is staring straight at me.

Just have a little faith

2011-01-01T15:46:00.000+08:00

Ohana mean family
Family means nobody gets left behind

2010-12-30T00:05:00.000+08:00

Keeping it in..

But what good is having it if I can't use it the way I want to?

2010-12-28T00:05:00.000+08:00

Cause you'll never know what it's like to walk in our shoes
And no one knows the things we've been through

And even after it all, I wouldn't change a thing

2010-12-26T11:14:00.000+08:00

Distractions/diversions/however you want to put it

2010-12-25T20:54:00.002+08:00

You're not the only one with problems.

The same thing applies to you.

2010-12-25T11:13:00.001+08:00

All I want for Christmas is..

2010-12-24T21:14:00.000+08:00

But I can't spell it out for you
You know it's never gonna be that simple

2010-12-23T00:08:00.002+08:00

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

2010-12-19T22:56:00.001+08:00

So much I want to say but I know that I can't

But thank you..so so much, really =)

2010-12-19T22:54:00.000+08:00

WAKE UP ALREADY DAMN IT!

STOP WASTING TIME

2010-12-18T00:01:00.002+08:00

Don't regret

Because by then it would have been too late

2010-12-17T23:51:00.003+08:00

Bye bye bird.

I'm really sorry that I couldn't do anything to help you get better..but I hope that your last few days were at least comfortable

2010-12-17T00:56:00.002+08:00

I swear
By the moon and the stars in the sky

2010-12-17T00:53:00.000+08:00

But it helps me on those lonely nights

2010-12-16T00:07:00.002+08:00

And though it's darker than December
What's ahead is a different colour

2010-12-16T00:05:00.000+08:00

2nd animal "rescue" this year/lifetime

Jiayou bird =) I don't know how to heal you unfortunately =( sorry. But I hope I can at least make you comfortable

2010-12-14T23:06:00.002+08:00

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you

2010-12-13T23:54:00.004+08:00

No point fussing over things that you have no control over

(No offence to the kid who made this wish, I wouldn't mind having another bunny too)

2010-12-13T23:53:00.001+08:00

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

2010-12-13T23:51:00.000+08:00

There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

But only 3 words stand out right now

3 words that don't have to be said to be understood

2010-12-12T22:28:00.000+08:00

So complicated, look happy, you'll make it

Chased down all my demons, seen you do the same

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're perfect to me

Censored =)

2010-12-12T16:29:00.001+08:00

Made a wrong turn,
Once or twice
Not just

Will you stop screwing yourself up..pretty pretty please?

2010-12-12T16:23:00.001+08:00

~~Barely~~ never gettin' mad

But I abused it

2010-12-12T16:17:00.002+08:00

Was it something I said, or just my personality?

2010-12-10T23:08:00.002+08:00

Just one touch, now baby I believe,
This is real, so take a chance

2010-12-08T22:50:00.000+08:00

What's a moment in time,
When you compare it with a lifetime?

2010-12-08T21:11:00.000+08:00

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten

2010-12-08T14:19:00.002+08:00

Keep it burning strong

2010-12-06T23:33:00.001+08:00

Count your blessings =)

2010-12-06T00:21:00.006+08:00

You can count on me like 1 2 3,
I'll be there,
And I know when I need it
I can count on you like 4 3 2
And you'll be there
Cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah

2010-12-05T00:18:00.004+08:00

And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

2010-12-04T23:10:00.001+08:00

Clean tap water

2010-12-04T00:17:00.001+08:00

It's like a crazy roller coaster ride.

But stay strong.

It's gonna be worth it.

2010-12-02T00:34:00.002+08:00

Baby you know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love

You know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love
No I ain't giving up on us

2010-12-01T23:09:00.002+08:00

Take time to realize

Stomach turning inside out
Legs like jelly
Head exploding

What the hell is wrong with me

2010-12-01T22:39:00.002+08:00

Why so hollow?

2010-12-01T22:24:00.002+08:00

Useless

2010-11-22T02:10:00.001+08:00

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

2010-11-22T02:04:00.003+08:00

Hold up, hold on, don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile, shine on, don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out.

2010-11-21T18:38:00.001+08:00

I'm sittin' here all by myself
Just tryin' to think of something to do

2010-11-20T00:45:00.001+08:00

Impossible is nothing

2010-11-20T00:43:00.003+08:00

Typhoon hit, but at least you can see the tabletop.

Who said that all guys watch porn?

Who said that all guys love being gross?

Wonder what it would be like to be a rabbit

2010-11-19T08:04:00.001+08:00

Just have a little patience

2010-11-18T23:53:00.004+08:00

"you guys are my safe harbour while i wander out in the open sea"

Every night's like the first night,
Never getting old

2010-11-18T00:51:00.003+08:00

Go away old self, please please please please just go away.

You don't have to live with it, and don't make others leave because of it.

What.Is.Wrong.With.You.

Are you gonna risk throwing it all away?

2010-11-18T00:23:00.001+08:00

Can't help but feel..useless?

darren

2010-11-18T00:09:00.003+08:00

How much is too much?

How little is too little?

And what about nothing at all?

~~Insecurity~~

darren
So you go out...I'll go on
If there's a doubt...we'll be strong

2010-11-16T00:49:00.003+08:00

I regret..selling my les paul for a seemingly better guitar.

Note to self: try the guitar in person before buying it, ordering guitars online = bad..unless you're rich enough to get those high end ones that are proven to be good and are unavailable in Singapore.

darren

2010-11-15T22:28:00.003+08:00

How many times have you let yourself down today?

The falling macbook, just a warning of how your own laziness can be your own downfall, and a very stern one.

The changing of currency, evidence of..once again your laziness and inability to follow simple printed instructions.

The only good thing about it all was that it was able to push me to finish my run without stopping..I couldn't afford to let myself down again.

Remember the time in part b, the double leg cramp during the very untimely pt test right smack in the middle of camp. Remember how it felt like, when your mind was telling you to give up, your heart was telling you to push on, and your body finally gave way, causing you to fall. Unless that ever happens again, don't ever stop running.

Don't give up even if your mind tells you to, give up only when your heart tells you to, because it never will.

darren
To the edge of the Earth
It's a brave new world

2010-11-14T23:11:00.003+08:00

What happened?

To the discipline? Probably disappeared along with my stamina.

I need to get my discipline back, even without the drilling, I don't think it was the drilling, it was already in me..somewhere, and I can't let that change.

Adidas sundown, I've been looking forward to it for so long, and now when the time has finally come, I can't let 4 years of training go to waste because of..laziness.

I need to do the things that are important..and not just leave them lying around and messing my life up..literally.

I need to remember the things that I loved, even if I may not be good at them. What happened to playing plug in baby and being proud of it?

Wake up wake up, till the day that I'm once again able to Look Up, Look Proud, Look Straight, Look Smart

darren
And when I think of all the places I just don't belong,
I've come to grips with life and realised this is going too far

2010-08-29T22:11:00.002+08:00

Why today, of all days. Couldn't you just control it for just one day? It's not even one day, it's just for the morning, is it that hard? If not for us, not for yourself, maybe for your own father? But no, you couldn't.

I definitely do feel bad for talking back, especially after sitting next to the boy who was holding his own father's tablet, while I was holding my grandfather's. But I just can't help but feel..sad, not angry. It's only these 2 days that I get to be home. Though I may not show it, I really do miss being home. But it just doesn't work when I go home only to face unhappiness. Sigh.

Nevermind, no point moping around.

darren
Hung upon your wall,
For the world to see

2010-08-29T00:02:00.003+08:00

No more sorry blog or anything because that's getting really irritating and considering the fact that I haven't posted for months now and I'm really gonna kill my blog if I don't force myself to post, it's even more bleh. Not that I just post for the sake of posting or anything, but my busyness shouldn't be an excuse for the lack of reflection and stuff.

I don't really know what to say about my studies right now =/ I guess it's really quite bad like, especially when I get the feeling that I'm not doing enough, I mean, when you feel that you have done enough, sometimes you're already kind of deceiving yourself because you know that you can do better just that maybe you want to make yourself feel good for once, so isn't it even worse when you actually know that you're not doing enough. But, sigh, excuses or not I have plenty of them. Though I'm getting into the studying mood..kinda. Time is another thing..but time can be made.

Been caught up with so much stuff lately..it's been a cycle of TRYING to sleep by 12 so that I'll have energy when I get up at 2 or 3 to do work. Seriously dying but it's more productive than doing work at night after a super tiring day I guess. But then again I'm wondering whether I'm exaggerating too much =/ whether everything isn't actually as bad as it seems. Whether it's actually manageable.

Mafmafmaf. Hello maf you're coming soon, things aren't looking as good as they should be though. Despite the constant back patting, I guess there's no point being overly worried as long as it doesn't get us complacent, though there could be more points about making improvements. Someone tell me how you fill an almost empty space =(

I regret not bringing my guitar back this weekend. Ahhh fingerstyle is fun yay.

darren
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it

2010-07-10T00:53:00.002+08:00

Ah it's now or never, if I don't post now I'll just keep dragging and dragging and dragging.

No doubt, so much has happened during this long period of absence..which was mainly due to the constant mugging for block tests =/ wouldn't exactly want to come here everything posting about mugging. But I kind of enjoyed the super intensive mugging in school for the last 2 weeks of hols and even during blocks, staying in school from 8am-6pm++ which was much more productive since I can't really concentrate at home and because there's like, real people in school as compared to no one at home.

It really takes a lot for you to know who your true friends are. Throughout the holidays there's been like so much confusion, and perhaps trying too hard. What's yours will be yours, what isn't should just be let go, only when you let go can you pick up something new. Though I didn't exactly get to catch up with some of the people I really wanted..I guess I'm glad that I'm still in contact..or rather I still get to talk to them every now and then. There's just some friends that, you don't really want to imagine drifting away from. On one hand, there's the fear of losing your old friends. On the other hand, there's yet another fear of taking too much of their time and being a burden, especially since they'll have their new friends too. Balance balance.

But then again, the recent turn of events have left me rather..confused, as usual. Thinking too much -> insecurity -> self-doubt -> misery. Need to find a way to get rid of it. Hi guitar!

darren
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell

2010-06-19T22:36:00.002+08:00

The course is finally finally finally over. 2 full days gone, by the time the course was over I was way too tired to even mug anyway, can't help but feel guilty for not studying =/ now that the course is over and I CAN study..the feeling is totally bittersweet.

It must have been my crankiness due to the lack of sleep, but I felt kind of pissed off especially at the last part, when everything got so, fake. First it was having to prepare 3 stories from your life, that was still..acceptable in a sense. Though when you usually talk to friends or whoever, you don't like prepare stories to tell them, it comes naturally doesn't it? And somehow, I couldn't really take it anymore at the last part, when I was made to fake words and expressions. I couldn't really contain it all, and I kinda showed it. I know it's your job to teach us this kind of stuff, so sorry if you felt that I was showing you attitude or something, I'm sure people who actually enjoy doing stuff like that really enjoyed your course though.

Showmanship..it really depends on what your intention is at the end of the day. If it's just to grab people's attention and to impress then, yea, go ahead and use all your words and expressions and stuff. But, I don't know, somehow I don't think I would even tell personal stories to random strangers just because they're important in the first place. If I do it, it'll be only because I want to share a good experience, I can't be forced to do it, it's just too fake.

Time is running out, ah blocks.

darren
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

2010-06-18T23:52:00.000+08:00

Ah hello blog, sorry I let you rot again, but you're starting to stink so I'm here to unrot you.

Study study study, I finally got myself going, going to the library that is. At least I can get stuff done there. But just when I'm starting to get going, I hardly have time to study. Sigh emceeing course. Super tiring. Die die have to find time to study D= no failing blocks.

Stress. Stress. Stress. And worst still this is only j1

And this is why super gay stuff like

jordy says (11:57 PM):
*darreeeennnnnn

tend to cheer me up. I can't imagine jordy saying that in real life.

This is a terribly contentless post, sucks sucks, where has my brain gone D=

This just makes me love muse more.

You know something isn't right when a random balding guy turns to you and says "you must protect your spirit"

darren
Well at the end of your life you are lucky if you die
Sometimes I wonder why I would even try

2010-06-12T00:08:00.002+08:00

Ah, no pre-u scholarship..nevermind..it was kind of expected anyway, considering how I had prepared for the interview..or rather the lack of preparation for that matter. It was more of to save money rather than for the whole prestige and everything but..oh well. But still it makes me wonder where my jc life is heading. It really feels like I'm heading downhill. Back in high school I had all sorts of opportunities that I grabbed and made good use of. Now it feels like my jc life is so empty, or even worse, it's probably lacking a lot of stuff, the most basic thing like results. ARE doesn't make it any better. Getting that award made me realise how competitive everything is, and I know that I'm being paranoid, but, I'm picturing myself not making full use of my jc education and having a bleak future and ahhh. I didn't do anything special for are..it was really just, do what you like to do and just make the best out of it and the path will just be laid out naturally. It took almost 2 years for me to adjust in high school..I don't have that kind of time now. But whatever it is, whatever I do, I'll promise not to lie to myself or betray my own conscience.

On a lighter note, today was a pretty meaningful day. Ccrc visit in the morning was really fun, interacting with all the cleft lip patients and their siblings. It's heartening to see so many siblings going there just to accompany the patients, even though they might be "forced" since parents usually just bring all the kids along, the very fact that they know and can tell us that they're there for a purpose, that is to accompany their siblings, and not just because "my mummy/daddy forced me to come along" is just really sweet. Especially this older brother whose sister is a patient. His sister couldn't fold the paper stars in time and had to leave for her appointment, so he folded a few for her while she was away. And when they were running around with the basket of stars, the girl slipped and the stars fell under the seats, he even crawled under the seats to retrieve them for her. I'm quite glad that I joined op smile.

Failed studying turned catching up session really lightened my load a lot..I realised that I haven't talked like that to anyone for a long time. And of course it wouldn't be complete without the traditional triple snow ice at xin wang! Thanks bong! I shall try to remember to sit up straight.

Now I'm missing 4s4 peeps..and p760s too.

darren
But that's just how the story unfolds,
You get another hand soon after you fold

2010-06-10T23:21:00.002+08:00

Ah hectic day hectic day is finally over. But overall it was quite fruitful =) I learned that I should check the direction the bus is going before I get on it no matter how tired I am instead of getting off the bus only to find out that it was the right one. But if I hadn't gotten off I wouldn't have heard the bus story, and if I hadn't heard the bus story I may not do something that I would do in the future had I heard the bus story.

It's surprising how seeing two boys carrying library books can evoke so much emotion. I really miss the holidays whereby my mother would bring my sis and I to the library and we would do useful and meaningful stuff like read books and other fun stuff that are actually useful unlike games.

And then I think about how my holidays are now..or rather how I am now. I used to be so disciplined, I would definitely chiong all my work within the first few days so that I could get it over and done with and do other stuff that I want to do. But..look at me now. Ought to be slapped, but that definitely isn't enough. I should be locked up or something. Super disappointing.

Ah, on a sidenote..looking forward to tomorrow.

I love how muse came up with the name muscle museum, yay for randomness.

darren
Too long trying to resist it,
You've just gone and missed it

2010-06-08T17:17:00.004+08:00

From being fortunate enough to have the complete set of 4 four so long, I'm suddenly left with 2 in a short span of 2 weeks, as cliche as it is, life really is unpredictable. But still, I feel really fortunate to have had all of them for so long.

Finally, it's all over. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, I know I shouldn't be feeling relieved. It felt so much more different over at my mother's side..at least there was the feeling of "we still have each other" and at least some things changed for the better. Ah but this..I really don't know what to say or how to feel, I didn't even cry. At the very least I felt that you should have done more, in actually being a part of organising the whole thing and not being busy fluttering around. He's your father after all. The friends that are there to visit are not there to take up all of your time, yes there's a time to be more cheery and not be so down and gloomy all the time, but there are times when you're supposed to be serious too. To put it bluntly, your friends aren't dead yet, you can always catch up with them some other time, it's just whether you want to make the effort to or not. Even though it may be largely symbolic, this is our last chance to at least do something for him, at the very least, you could have been there for at least the whole of the last round.

I really admire my mother, for having so much guts and endurance and for being so capable. Despite being the youngest child in her family, she was the one doing pretty much everything, even after being overwhelmed by all her emotions. Despite not being a blood relative, she was still the one doing pretty much everything this time around. It's easy to let someone else to it just because they've done it before, to just use a simple excuse like language to feign ignorance and shirk the responsibility. It takes even more to still be willing to take up the job and still do your best despite knowing all this. And not to mention all the things that were simply unreasonable. Though..instead of being so dragged down by all the downs of the whole thing, I think you should be proud of yourself for having done so much even though you didn't have to. I'm sure he's really proud of you to.

Seeing everything going on was even more painful. How some can remain oblivious to something so big, how they can just throw the responsibility to someone who doesn't have to be involved at all. All the politics and unhappiness. If I were a little younger, I could just look on and just not get what is going on. But knowing everything that's going on just makes it worse. I'm caught between whether I should feel sad for them, or whether I should be angry at them, at least, for the first day or two. After that I've figured that it's just easier to take a step back. As long as I am sincere and I do all I can, I have no regrets. You can do all you want, I can't control that, what I can control is myself.

Nevertheless, I got to know my family a lot more throughout everything. Getting to spend so much time with my cousins and aunts especially. And listening to them talk about my grandparents while staying up last night..some things I found out were really shocking, though I was probably too young to remember any of them happening. Ah but, come to think of it, I don't even get to spend so much time with my relatives during chinese new year.

To my grandfather, thank you for picking me up after school everyday, buying me lunch and sweets even though my mother told you not too. Though I was young, it is one of the happiest memories I have of you. And not to forget all the new toys and cool stuff that you always seem to haven whenever we visited you.

To my grandfather, even though I never really got close to you for any specific period of time, thank you for being there, I know you cared. Knowing how you were at the start didn't ruin the memories, in fact it made it better, knowing that you did change later on. I've always remembered you as the one who's super smart and always printed informative stuff for us..though I was too young to have understood any of them back then..I guess I regret not holding on to them for later.

To my grandfathers, coincidence or not, like all my aunts have said, both of you really care about us because you chose a time when my studies wouldn't be affected that much. Thank you for everything, and for being here for so long.

darren
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along.

2010-06-02T22:43:00.006+08:00

Ahh, the cat that we saved the other day before do-re-mi..wonder how it's doing now.

It's irritating when I keep forgetting what I want to blog..especially when I'm too lazy to just come here and type a draft so that I won't forget it, bleh, so the thought remains lost somewhere in the messy pool of my mind.

I guess I'm sorting everything out..bit by bit. These holidays are going to be free-er than any other holidays I've had ever since I came into hc. I still remember the last june holidays when I didn't even have a single free day to rest =/ ah but all the more I have to make good use of it. 2nd last june holidays..

Famine camp is tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, haha but my excitement hasn't seemed to come yet. And the letter telling me to register for ns was totally o.o I didn't really realise that ns is slightly more than a year away.

[edit]
Gymming with kenneth is totally amusing, he's as crappy as ever. First was him trying to bench without support. In the end 5 people had to come and rescue him. The next time he tried, he said "I will do it without support this time..but if I ask for you help you must come and help arh". And at lunch, he was telling us about people like chen yang who were supposed to go to the gym with him. I found a piece of fat in my curry and I said "Is that a giant piece of fat?" and he said "what? chen yang?"

GP make-up was quite useful. I think it's one of the first few times when I felt comfortable having almost one to one with a teacher. I learn much more from mr kevin than just gp. I really admire him..he said that we either sacrifice some things in life to make time for others, or we adjust our lives, and he chose to adjust. So he sleeps only 4 hours but at the most efficient times just so that he has more time to do more things. Somehow I find that making stuff like sleeping so technical can kinda ruin the whole fun aspect of it, but then again he doesn't exactly seem very mechanical or robot-like.

I feel screwed screwed screwed, and I have no idea why, that's the worst part. It's as though someone has just sucked all my energy away, mentally drained. Ah, don't know what to do now. But I feel like I'm falling sick. Sucks sucks
[/edit]

Loving muse riffs.

darren
You can't push it underground,
You can't stop it screaming out.

2010-06-01T23:15:00.003+08:00

Ah, I've let this thing stagnate for far too long. There's been too much happening during this period of time..on one hand there was so much on my mind, but on the other hand the circumstances made it such that it would seem really inappropriate to blog at those times. I don't really have much mood to blog now..but I just can't stand letting it rot for so long.

35th tahanners, crescendo. Really happy for them =) having been a part of them for that short period of time, I know that it wasn't for them to make it through this far. Hearing about them doing 40 for statics was really a shocker. Nevertheless there are times when I really what would happen if I'd chosen to stay. Really miss the feeling of being up there on the mountain..with all the stars..and of course, the team.

Many a times you're told to let go, that things just happen the way they do and we just have to accept it. But is it really wrong to linger for awhile? In fact I think it'd be scary if anyone was able to let go of something previous so easily and so quickly.

So many unexpected things have happened, whether good or bad, I don't know, I can only perceive them to be good or bad, but whether they're really what I perceive them to be in the long run is a totally different thing. On the other hand I should just stop thinking so much and just let things flow naturally.

I'm feeling myself screw up both mentally and physically. My mind tends to be flooded with thoughts, but I just can't pinpoint the individual thoughts that are troubling me, so in the end they just pile up, more, and more. Maybe that'll explain my headaches. The fingers on my right hand don't seem to be functioning properly..can't really write properly, probably overstrained from just now, proves how unfit I've become after so long..but nevertheless being back with 2/3 of the rest of my tt felt good.

Just like how I've been telling myself for the past few holidays, I'll give my electric guitar more attention while I still can since I'm actually at home, ah and bass is still uncertain. I still have to overcome the inertia before I actually get any work done..mundane mundane mundane.

darren
If I don't make that then I'll switch my flight
And I'll be right back at it by the end of the night

2010-05-16T09:29:00.005+08:00

Oral/listening compre yesterday didn't turn out as planned. Note to self: get enough sleep the night before, not during the listening compre or before oral. I found myself spouting nonsense during oral.

Choir was good =) good job yao nian haha. Despite not knowing a single song they sang, it was still really entertaining.

One day, I have one day to rush out all my work and study.

Going back to salt centre to look for the part bs-turned-part cs during open house was a really..I-don't-know-how-to-feel moment. It's hard to imagine that this was the part we were training barely a year ago, scolding and commanding, drilling and cheering, the good, and the bad times. It's hard to imagine, that they'll soon be taking over the unit. But it's heartening to see how they've grown thus far, I'm glad I got to see their first self choreographed performance. But all these were things I just couldn't say when I was talking to them. Sitting there in front of all of them in fall in position, in felt weird no doubt, but it was a feeling to be missed. At that moment there was just too much to be said, but nothing came out. As much as I'd like to go back more often, there're certain..constraints, I guess it's part and parcel of being from ncc I guess. But then again, maybe some things are just mean to be left as they are. Until ORD then.

Though it's not exactly considered a performing arts, though the performances were short, pds never failed to impressed, hcincc pds. The thrill, the excitement, the sense of satisfaction. The sun, the injuries, the exhaustion. The ups, the downs, the crazy moements. The blood, the sweat, the tears. Holding the rifle and marching in, in no.3 or half u with white bootlace, knowing that you're a part of hcincc pds, centre of excellence or not, is something to be proud of. Whether performing, or giving performances up to choreograph, pds was something I enjoyed. Sadly, I probably won't ever get to dabble in it ever again. Ah but, some memories are just meant to stay as memories.

darren
Can we pretend that the airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

2010-05-12T00:47:00.002+08:00

I wonder what she's trying to do. Last two tutorials before the test, and she's missing =/ worst thing is that we haven't even gone through the tutorial yet. I know it may not totally be her fault, but the fact remains that she has this minimum amount of responsibility to uphold. And we of course have a certain amount of expectations, not because of our own selfish reasons, but isn't it the exact reason we go to school for?

I wonder what I'm trying to do.

I thought that one C would be the only anomaly I would ever get. Maybe like ng peng said, I underestimated JC life. Underestimating jc life would simply mean that I've made all the wrong decisions so far, because I would have overestimated my own capabilities.

And now it just boils down to my own capabilities..or incapabilities for that matter. Or maybe it's simply my attitude. I really have no idea what's going on.

What the hell are you doing darren

darren
Glaciers melting in the dead of night,
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive.

2010-05-11T00:07:00.003+08:00

600th post! Took me long enough to finally come back here. Each week I would tell myself that the next week would get better, but the moment the next week starts, the cycle just repeats. But then again there wasn't anything particularly interesting happening besides me struggling struggling struggling and trying to get more rest so..yea.

It's not everyday that you break down, especially not in school. But it was a good thing no one could really tell, second good thing was that I happened to be in the toilet anyway. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, I thought I could handle everything, until the chem test. Knowing that I screwed the test up badly wasn't the bad part, it was the fact that I simply couldn't think straight during the test that killed me. I realised how many clouds there were shrouding everything, and I just couldn't find what I wanted to find. And, that was it, I just couldn't handle it anymore.

It's at time like this that being in a mixed class and being in an all guys class is totally different. Thanks a lot cao yun, I swore I would have died or something if not for what you did.

Ah but, life goes on. I guess I'm feeling a lot better now, no more unnecessary worry that leads to more unnecessary worry elsewhere..negative externalities.

Invest is coming soon, something I never thought I would be a part of. 2 more days to wear that hwa chong school badge. Either way, I guess I've more or less reached a consensus.

Kiss my SnR man

darren
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up

2010-04-28T23:33:00.002+08:00

People who don't sleep enough will have a lack of sleep and will feel sleepy in school and thus they will sleep at times when they are not supposed to be sleeping.

Today is a very asdojfaiosdcjasd day, full of ups and downs. Ah, but, what's done is done, I saw it coming, though i hoping it wasn't true. But whatever it is, at least I'm much more privileged than many of them out there, and no doubt I'll do my best. Some things just aren't meant to be, adapt adapt. You define the post.

But of course I have to thank xin wang gang a lot, if not for them I would have taken much longer to zheng zuo qi lai. Totally miss xin wanging with you guys..or rather girls. Till the next time we xin wang again! =)

darren
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.

2010-04-25T22:42:00.005+08:00

After so long, everything is more or less over. Whether I'm happy or sad or relieved, I'm not too sure either. It wasn't a good feeling being the underdog, though I more or less managed to convince myself that even the underdog can defy odds at times. I guess I just went up and said what I really felt, instead of what I really thought. I was mentally prepared for it, but I wouldn't say that I lost confidence such that I didn't give my best anymore. The only reason I ran for it was because I felt strongly about it.

And I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision. I know that a lot of people believe in me, which I admit was quite surprising. But, to me, I will only go for it if I actually want it. I don't want to be going for something just because of the title or whatever. I mean, I don't doubt my own capabilities, but as compared to someone who has the capabilities coupled with the passion, I would think that the other person would be more apt. I wouldn't want to force myself into that position, risk dying out, and worst of all being a burden to the rest. If the situation arises, and there's really no one who wants the job and I think that I am able to do it, even if I may not really want it, I wouldn't mind of course. In cases like these, my motivation would simple be that I am able to fill that void. Sigh, what's done is done, no regrets.

I don't know why but, somehow it seems that the world around is getting way too practical, even in places I never expected. I never believed in doing stuff just for that pretty little portfolio. It's not that I'm not concerned about building my portfolio, but building a portfolio to me is not..building a portfolio. I'd rather do the things that you like, and the whole portfolio will just come naturally, there's no need to do something extra just for the sake of filling it up. I mean, when I look at my high school cca records for example, it's really kind of like a journal, it reminds me of the stuff I did, the stuff that taught me a lot, and most importantly, the stuff that I enjoyed doing.

I'm seriously lagging in my school work =/ can't figure out gas laws despite doing it before bleh. Work efficiency is low low low. Nevermind nevermind tomorrow shall be chionging day!

When an ong yongle suddenly talks to you on msn and says "DARREN I POSTED SOMETHING ON YOUR WALL" you know that it can't be something normal. It turned out to be those weird questions about friends.

How many times a day do you think about Darren Lum?
24hrs x 60 = 1440 min 1440min x 60 = 86400s 86400 times! :$

Haha thanks a lot yongle =) you may not have known it but it really made my day. Even though we may not talk as much as last time, I'm really glad to know you and worked under you once =) great friend great friend haha.

darren
Decision to decisions are made and not bought but I thought,
This wouldn't hurt a lot. I guess not.

2010-04-21T23:38:00.002+08:00

I wore the wrong pair of specs to school today, bleh.

Ah, 2.4..most people will say that I'm being niao or what but I'm seriously disappointed in myself =/ deproved by so much sigh.

It's scary how people change, and how much they change, whether intentionally or not. Sometimes it's can't be avoided, sometimes it's not even their fault. The only analogy I can think of right now is the enzyme substrate complex, how the enzyme is no longer complementary with the substrate, okay enough bio. It's sad when people change..but I guess the only reason we feel sad is because that person must mean something to us.

I need to stop napping. A 20minute nap will usually result in an extension of 5mins, 5mins, 10mins and 10mins more. The worst thing is that I'll probably wake up feeling more tired or with a throbbing headache. I need to survive tomorrow's one and a half hour econs lecture.

I miss my guitar.

darren
A reason to start over new,
And the reason is you.

2010-04-18T01:15:00.002+08:00

I more or less passed the whole of today in isolation..in the sense that, other than talking to people in my family, I haven't exactly communicated with anyone, no msn, no smses or anything..which is quite amazing..considering how I myself know that I'm someone who can't stand being alone. But somehow today was surprisingly easy..especially with a whole stack of bio notes and blank pieces of paper that are supposed to magically transform into an econs essay..and a lot of procrastination of course. But I guess I managed to achieve most of my aims for this weekend..get my rest back, and try to face/sort out my thoughts..well..kind of.

But I guess everybody needs some time alone every now and then, to spend with his guitar. Which reminds me of my acoustic..I'm currently guitarless because my guitar is being serviced =( I brought it along when I went string shopping to see if I could get them to restring it for me since I felt lazy. They checked my guitar before restringing and found out that my guitar neck was warped D= which explained the high action and how hard it was getting to play..at least the problem was discovered, but that means that I have to wait for at least a week before I get it back. Even though my acoustic is usually at home while I'm in boarding school..it still feels weird knowing that it isn't with me anymore.

Went to visit my grandfather again today, and I couldn't help but have that same feeling of helplessness, there's so much that I want to do, but it'll be plain weird if I do any of it, especially since he can't remember me anymore. If I were still a small kid, I would just do whatever I want for him without considering any of this..sigh. And I can't help but feel worried for my family, especially with all the health problems arising, it makes it worse that I'm not at home for most of the week too. Though, I make it a point not to show my worry, especially if it means making my parents worry too, which is the last thing I would want happening.

Monday please pass quickly.

darren
But this charade is never going to last,
So pick the poison and pour yourself a glass.

2010-04-16T23:54:00.001+08:00

Another late night, but this late night shall be an earlier late night to facilitate me waking up earlier to do work.

Nominated twice, rejected both times. It's quite..encouraging how some people can believe so much in me, but it's a little disturbing how I don't believe in myself that much. No idea if it's humility, or whether I'm simply being frank with myself. It reminds me of part b, before ord, I used to be super passive and only worked like behind the scenes, I didn't care if people knew what I did to help or not. Karlton told me that too much humility is detrimental to the unit. But since I have the chance now, I'll just give it a shot, at least I'll be able to tell myself that I gave my best, it doesn't matter how it turns out.

I was kinda touched by izumi's sincerity as he addressed the 37th, despite being together for such a short period of time, he could still make us have that warm feeling by a simple mention of the word ohana.

I guess I'm slowly coming to terms with myself, slowly, but surely. I know it isn't wrong to have expectations, but sometimes expectations just screw up everything that's here and now, and in the end your expectations will come to naught.

darren
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up

2010-04-15T19:15:00.002+08:00

Hello blog, sorry I've neglected you for such a long time. I blame the immense amount of work and my habit to procrastinate. But most of all, I blame the boarding school internet. Though I've been going through endless ups and downs these days, I haven't had the time to blog about any of it, hence I have become like sponge, absorbing everything and keeping everything inside. But sponges have limits too, and when they go past that limit, they cry just like humans. Of course, I haven't reached that stage yet, it takes a lot for me to get to that stage actually. I finally have the time and internet now, but that doesn't mean that I should be blogging, especially with all the work left to complete.

Track and field finals yesterday was a first for me. Personally, I don't think that the school should have sent sec 1s for such a crucial event, especially when most of them haven't been in the school long enough to actually feel much for it. I got to see another side of the high school council, they really can rara the crowd. Seeing liki and chuanyu screaming their lungs out, trying to appeal to the sec 1s to cheer for their own school, made me feel proud to be part of council, albeit a different one. C and B boys champs, double silver for the As. It was fun though, being able to shout like nobody's business.

Talking about shouting reminds me of commanding, talking about commanding reminds me of hcincc, and talking about hcincc today reminds me of gordon. Happy birthday gordon! =) I want a part outing =(

Despite all the promises I made to myself and to them, all of it had to be broken in the end. No doubt I feel terrible about it, but I guess all I can do now is to be thankful that I did manage to spend that short period of time as a part of time, and conquering that one summit. Jiayou 35th =) sorry..and thank you too 34th.

And then there's the resolutions that I made, two of them actually, that I've never been able to abide by fully. I guess it's good in a sense that I finally got a slap in the face to wake myself, despite the fact that I had to ask for it myself, though the conflicting..or maybe not so conflicting viewpoints are kind of screwing my brain up. I swear I know what to do, but I actually have to do it. Give up darren, just give up, that's the only way you'll be able to succeed and move on.

darren
The sound of an old guitar
Is saving you from sinking

2010-04-06T22:43:00.002+08:00

The sky was terribly beautiful yesterday, but I was too lazy to grab my phone to take a photo when it was still in it's nice state. When I finally decided to take one, the angle was wrong, the sun had set too much. That's the thing about photography, you really have to seize the opportunity whenever you get it, and these opportunities don't come often. But it's those times when you do get the shot, that the sense of satisfaction comes in, that scene immortalized in a single photo.

So much has happened. From a state of confusion, to a state of clarity on one side, then to the other, and then it's back to confusion again. I don't know which side to stand on now, though it's quite obvious which side I'm supposed to be on. I'm stubbornly staying in the middle. But the more I try to hold on, the harder it's gonna get, and the greater the consequences. Maybe it's time to end it, to stop all the pain, maybe.

Everythng is piling up once again. The tiny things alone are not enough to bring me down. But it's just like how every small item can add to the weight of your haversack, something you don't want when you're halfway up the mountain. And it doesn't help that the very last item is like a giant sandbag. 6 months, max. I'll regret not cherishing the old times, despite knowing that I couldn't do much either. But it's always only towards the end when the pain sets in.

I feel as though I've let so many people down. Though it might all be coincidences, these coincidences only occurred because of my own decisions. It's always like that, taking turns to be on the receiving end, and being the one to deliver the disappointment.

It feels as though I've let it past. But deep inside I know it's still there somewhere, and I know that I'm ready to let it out. When? I don't know. Whether I should just keep it locked up inside permanently is another even bigger question. If what I'm hoping comes true..well..good for me. But if it doesn't..sigh. How would I even know anyway? But for now, it stays locked up.

darren
But I never told you, what I should have said,
No, I never told you, I just held it in.

2010-04-01T00:36:00.001+08:00

My emotional status is at an All Time Low, an Oasis of feelings, I really have no idea what to feel now, I just feel so messed up, the only person I can blame for entering the Fray is myself. At times like this, mental strength seems to have taken a backseat, as though it doesn't apply anymore. But despite all this, no, I ain't gonna be no FOB.

Though today is supposed to be a happy day, like mr alex said on the phone, "they look like they just attended a funeral". I managed to pick myself up during the proceedings, but after that, I just let go again. The reality is that everything I have to face still exists, I'll have to find a way to resolve it somehow, and it ain't gonna be pretty. I'm supposed to be relieved that everything is finally over, but it just feels as though everything is just about to begin, and I won't have time to take a breather.

And then came another major blow. Somehow the bad things that I suspect always come true, but once again, the only one to blame is myself. My inability to control myself, my failure to actually see what I was going on. It's like, I was seeing it all in my peripheral vision, I knew it was there, but I just didn't change the focus.

Everything comes at a price, I don't think you know what that price is, but then again you don't really have to. I've more or less decided what I'm gonna do. And despite saying the same thing time and time again, I really have to stick to it this time. Ceteris paribus.

darren
No you don't know what it's like, when nothing feels alright,
No you don't know what it's like, to be like me.

2010-03-30T20:56:00.002+08:00

Rubber band or noodle? Turned out to be a noodle after much prodding and poking.

It's quite stupid that, up till now, and especially now, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't exactly know what I want, actually..I'm pretty sure I know what I want. What I want and what I will get are two completely different things. And it's precisely because of that that "if it's mean to be mine it will be mine" doesn't work anymore. But then again, I'm assuming so much.

Tahan tahan tahan, even though it hasn't been long, I feel quite close to the team. I was especially touched by what wei long said to us yesterday..which adds on to the reasons why he's one of the most, if not the most, senior I respect the most. And when the team said jiayou to cao yun and I for intro of nominees, it made me feel even worse, because their jiayou was intended for something that may mean having to quit, or being able to commit much less. Regardless, I'm still going for ophir.

It made me think about one of the first trainings we had, when we didn't really know each other much. We were having circuit training, and someone commented that someone else was really slow and everything. I didn't have much reaction back then, but after thinking about it, I felt really disappointed in that person, didn't really expect something like that. After we came back from ayam, we talked about why we joined tahan, many people joined it for a change, to push their limits. I'd rather be with people who may not have the standard yet, but are willing to push. Just because your standard is better, it's not even the best, it doesn't mean that you should say stuff like that, even if you are the best, it's an even better reason why stuff like that shouldn't be coming from your mouth. I thought that we learnt this a long time ago, maybe not.

Guitar and radio are my two current retreats now, though I wished I had my acoustic in boarding school. Ping and pong on muttons haha. But now there's the whole drama on 987, bleh, she better not go there and screw things up. And not forgetting the stupid things we do in school like breathing in helium(sorry bong) that keep my mind of all the problems.

Sigh sigh, it'll be over soon. But one problem being over just means that I'll have to tackle the next one. Haha, one step at a time..one step at a time.

darren
Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be.